They’re green, hard and taste like they’re having an am-I-a-fruit-or-a-vegetable identity crisis. Blame it on the April snow showers or blame it on the boogie, but the bananas sold in campus cafes have nose-dived into non-delicious oblivion in the last few weeks.

It’s a problem. Bananas are the only fruit that can qualify as a meal when dashing from class to class. Plus, what other fruit can masquerade as a quasi-penis for sh*ts and giggles? But don’t give up on this bendy fruit staple just yet. Here are 19 healthy and sexy things to know and do with a banana — ripe, green or otherwise.

1)   Fill that tummy: A regular banana holds 110 calories in its squishy, yellow flesh. Double the calories and eat two at the same time to look like an elephant.

2)   Banana belly: The average American eats 26.2 pounds of bananas a year. That’s about the size of four babies.

3)   Fat-free food: As a disclaimer, fat’s not the devil and everyone needs it in a balanced diet. Bananas are natural fat and cholesterol-free foods — you can’t beat that with a big stick.

4)   My name is: Cavendish. Almost all commercial bananas are from Cavendish plants, all perfect clones of a single Southeast Asian plant. Bananas are sexless and seedless, and their cloned status means bananas could be wiped out quickly if banana Armageddon happened, according to the Today I Found Out website.

5)   Krumping cramp: If exaggerated and expressive street dance is your exercise of choice, a banana boost can ward off cramping of the legs. Banana’s magical de-cramping powers apply to regular sports, too — like Quidditch.

6)   Handle it: Peel upside down so the stalk acts as a handle — it’s how the monkeys do it. Or you can break it in half for two 50-ish-calorie snacks.

7)   Sick bay: Don’t forget the “B” in the BRAT diet, which helps those in gastrointestinal distress. Bananas are easy to digest, so gnaw your socks off if the snow’s killing your immune system, along with rice, apple sauce and toast.

8)   Period pooh: Icky, sure, but the vitamin B6 in bananas stops period diarrhea in its tracks and can replenish nutrients lost, Yahoo Voices says.

9)   Slow down: Bananas contain tryptophan, which the brain converts to serotonin quickly when combined with carbs, making you sleepy, the Livestrong website says. Enjoy a banana nightcap.

10)  Animate anemia: Bananas are full of iron and can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood, which helps those who are anemic.

11)  We all scream for: frozen bananas. They make the perfect one-ingredient frozen treat. Freeze, blend and dig in.

12)  Old bananas: Given the green banana epidemic, you may need to wait until June for a dining hall banana to over-ripen, but when it does, bake banana bread. Delicious and healthy, sort of.

13)  Sexy time: The potassium in bananas boosts male sex drive, Shape Magazine reports. Get on it, boys — if you even need the help.

14)  Make a farmer happy: Don’t throw banana skins away. Give them to farmers. They compost the sh*t out of them.

15)  Cold bananas: just no. Take your banana out of the fridge or it will turn from green to brown. A chemical oxidation reaction produces the brown-colored melanin that ruins your bendy fruit.

16)  Caffeine shakes: Contrary to Lifehacker’s recent story that bananas stop the coffee wiggles, NPR found bananas won’t help you calm down.

17)  Buff banana: Scuffed shoes? Fear not. The Huffington Post recommends buffing the grit away with the inside of a banana peel.

18)  Fingering: A single banana is called a finger; a bunch is a hand. Got to love a sexual euphemism.

19)  Banana toy: There are conflicting opinions, but due to their mushy quality, bananas make unpredictable sex toys. Maybe stick to eating them, not freaking with them.

Get chomping, Bananamen. But only if the banana’s yummy and yellow.

Iona Holloway is a senior magazine journalism and psychology major. She cuts her banana into little slivers and eats off a knife to avoid penis-aping. Visit her website www.ionaholloway.com, email her at ijhollow@syr.edu and follow her on Twitter at @ionaholloway.

Published on April 2, 2013 at 10:32 pm