Hello. It’s me. Jim Boeheim, Syracuse University men’s basketball head coach and god amongst men. You have most recently heard of me as the Conquistador of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, as the Syracuse Orange and I are now heading for the Final Four this weekend. I’m writing with a message to all those who oppose me and my noble warriors: I am Jim Boeheim, and I will end you.

Seriously, don’t you know who I am? I am Jim Boeheim, the Guardian of the Orange Grove and the Commander of the ‘Cuse. These players are the Knights of the Round Table, and I am Arthur. I am coming to claim my Holy Grail. Do not underestimate me.

I will do whatever it takes to win this tournament. I will travel by horseback to Houston with my Bernie Sanders haircut blowing beautifully in the breeze like a CoverGirl commercial.

I will ride on Trevor Cooney’s back as we backpack the Appalachian Trail, studying Buddhism and finding our inner peace. He will be Luke Skywalker, and I will be Yoda: “Do, or do not — there is no try.” Oh, we will do it, all right.

This tournament is mine for the taking. Remember Dayton? What about Middle Tennessee, Gonzaga or Virginia? Me neither. I came, I saw, I conquered. I am Julius Caesar, and Syracuse is Rome.

Everyone questioned us making the bracket. Everyone said we didn’t deserve to even be a 10-seed. Oh, but how wrong they were. I printed out those naïve and moronic predictions, put them in my blender and had a nice little smoothie. It was delicious. It tasted like power. I have the power. I am Jim Boeheim. Never forget it.

This tournament is “The Hunger Games,” and you can call me Katniss Everdeen. Don’t believe me? Let’s duel, gladiator-style. I will strike you down, and I will bring victory and glory to my city. This is my world. Do not defy me, or I will smite you with the power of Zeus above.

This weekend, remember that the sun will never set on this Syracuse basketball team. We cannot be held down. In the impossible chance that victory escapes our grasp, I will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix and soar.

But after our inevitable victory, I will ascend into the heavens and claim my rightful spot as a Golden Orange Basketball god. We cannot be beaten. No matter what time it is, it is my time: BoeTime. And Georgetown still sucks.

Ian McCourt is a junior television, radio and film major. You can reach him at iwmccour@syr.edu or follow him @OrderInMcCourt on Twitter.

Published on March 31, 2016 at 8:01 pm